Feedback Exercise

Be Attached to Outcomes…
Just Don’t Be Attached to Any Particular Outcome

Life is full of expectations — and conditioned responses. In fact, as children we are taught through games like “peek-a-boo”, that if we give the right response (squeals of delight), we’ll get to play again. Then, as we grow older, social norms, etiquette, rules of good behavior, etc., reinforce the fact that if we just do the right thing at the right time, we get the right outcome.

Unfortunately, this process also tends to “lock us in” to our expectations — and we rarely separate ourselves from our need for feedback to reinforce our expected outcomes. Don’t get me wrong, outcomes are needed — but being attached to any “particular” outcome means you limit your ability to allow what “wants to happen” to come forward. Instead, we lock ourselves into what we expect to happen, and have difficulty seeing other possibilities.

Here’s an exercise I REALLY like that clearly illuminates our addiction to feedback as a means to reinforce our expectations. The exercise is done with pairs of people, and here’s how to set it up:

• Ask the attendees to choose a partner.
• Then ask them to sit facing each other, and to move their chairs so that their knees are almost touching.
• The ask them to decide who will be A and who will be B.

Give these specific directions to both A and B.

• A—You are to talk about the thing you like most of all, your passion (as long as it’s something you can do in front of your grandparents), for about a minute or two.
• B—You are to remain in eye contact the whole time, but you cannot give any feedback. No facial expressions, no head nodding, no talking—just a passive, blank expression on your face. Period.

About this time there’s a bunch of grumbling and nervous laughter, but it ends within a few moments. I then say, “Go,” and the exercise begins. I love to watch this exercise because some of the As get so frustrated with their partners that they reach across and shake the Bs’ shoulders. Other As start yelling or just give up. On the other hand, some Bs just can’t “hold it” for long, and they crack. Other Bs are so good at it, I’m convinced they could probably keep their poker face on for days.

Then I stop time and wait. The resulting release of the tension in the room is full of laughing, loud conversation, and general chaos. It’s great. Once the moment passes, I ask for reflections. Some comments I get regularly are “As an A, I found myself questioning the value of what I like to do!” or “As a B, I had to just stop paying attention; I really wanted to know more, but I wasn’t able to ask.” And generally, I find both As and Bs think their own role is more difficult.

I use this exercise to help people break free from their need for approval, their reliance on outside feedback, and their desire to be right about things. In other words, don’t be stuck looking for any particular feedback. As such, be attached to outcomes (results) but not to any particular outcome (the status quo, or what you’ve always asked for in a particular situation).